Kevin "HIRE ME" Cabral
 |
| I don't like guns, like this ^ |
School Address
Peter J Shields Ave
Davis, California 95616
(530) XXX-1011
Home Address
2255 Fungo Bat Drive
Davis, CA 95616
(925) 555-2194
Objective:
Executioner position, which utilizes my switch throwing, noose releasing,
injection, and/or rusty blade wielding skills.
Qualifications
and Skills:
I am fluent in over 6 million
forms of communication.
I am an ordained as a priest via
the Internet.
I have little remorse for my
actions.
Three years of military service
have devalued my perception of human life.
My service in the military has also
taught me to obey all orders.
I was voted “most likely to become
an executioner” by my High School senior class.
I collect teeth.
Education:
2006, Political
Science, Oxford University
2010, Judicial
Enforcement, Texas A&M
Employment and
Experience:
1989-1992. Bouncer.
Double Deuce Road House. It was my
job to keep the peace. Things got
a little hot in town when local crime boss Brad Wesley found out I was
romantically involved with his girl.
I managed to defeat violence with violence and save the town.
1992-2005. Bounty
Hunter. Self employed. I used to travel from town to town
searching for those wanted for horrible crimes and could easily avoid the
average town’s police department.
Over my 15 years of service as a bounty hunter, I caught over 350
criminals wanted for at least one felony.
2005-2010.
Executioner’s apprentice. Crazy Joe’s Executions Inc. I assisted the
executioner by swabbing the prisoners’ heads with a wet rag,
tying nooses, balancing his checkbook, picking up groceries, and other errands.
Honors and Awards:
“Most Likely to Become an Executioner,” 1985.
Nominated for “Worst Actor” Razzie Award, 1990.
“Most frightening drifter of the year,” in Blodgett,
Missouri, 1995.
Time Magazine’s #187
in its “top 200 most interesting people,” 2004.
References:
(This was actually just a project I did for a computer science class in college. I felt like sharing it.)
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