Here's a cover letter for an executioner's position for that class also.  It's not real...

Home address

2255 Fungo Bat Drive

Davis, CA 95616

(925) 555-2194

4/20/10

Dear ,

            I am applying for a position as executioner to your wonderful prison.  If it is possible, I would appreciate the opportunity to discuss my candidacy with you.  You can find my resume attached to this e-mail. 

I am looking forward to the opportunity to be the one who throws the switch, pulls the lever, or presses the button that starts the slow-moving contraption.

Some of my experience and skills for this position include:

1)    Consistency- In the fifteen years I’ve worked as an executioner’s apprentice there have only been 26 botched executions under my watch.

2)    Lack of Remorse- My work as a bouncer and a bounty hunter has gradually rendered me emotionless for the physical pain I cause others.  Also, my service in the Gulf War has taught me not to question orders and has basically shown me every horrible thing one person can do to another person.

3)    Persistence- One time the rope failed to break the hangman’s neck and he just sorta dangled there for a while cursing at everyone.  The only thing I had around me was my shoe, so I used that to end things…

4)    Degrees from Oxford University and Texas A&M College. 

5)    Can name every Andrew Lloyd Weber Broadway musical

I’m looking forward to the opportunity to prove that I have the motivation and the solid work ethic required to be a fully efficient aspect of your execution system.

Sincerely,

Kevin Cabral  

This is the first draft of a resume that didn't get me any call-backs.  I still don't understand why.

Kevin "HIRE ME" Cabral

I don't like guns, like this ^

School Address

Peter J Shields Ave

Davis, California 95616

(530) XXX-1011

Home Address

2255 Fungo Bat Drive

Davis, CA 95616

(925) 555-2194

Objective: Executioner position, which utilizes my switch throwing, noose releasing, injection, and/or rusty blade wielding skills.

Qualifications and Skills:

I am fluent in over 6 million forms of communication.

I am an ordained as a priest via the Internet.

I have little remorse for my actions.

Three years of military service have devalued my perception of human life.

My service in the military has also taught me to obey all orders.

I was voted “most likely to become an executioner” by my High School senior class.

I care minimally for the opinions of my coworkers.
I collect teeth.

Education:

2006, Political Science, Oxford University

2010, Judicial Enforcement, Texas A&M

Employment and Experience:

1989-1992.  Bouncer. Double Deuce Road House.  It was my job to keep the peace.  Things got a little hot in town when local crime boss Brad Wesley found out I was romantically involved with his girl.  I managed to defeat violence with violence and save the town.

1992-2005.  Bounty Hunter.  Self employed.  I used to travel from town to town searching for those wanted for horrible crimes and could easily avoid the average town’s police department.  Over my 15 years of service as a bounty hunter, I caught over 350 criminals wanted for at least one felony. 

2005-2010.   Executioner’s apprentice.  Crazy Joe’s Executions Inc.  I assisted the

executioner by swabbing the prisoners’ heads with a wet rag, tying nooses, balancing his checkbook, picking up groceries, and other errands.

Honors and Awards:

“Most Likely to Become an Executioner,” 1985.

Nominated for “Worst Actor” Razzie Award, 1990.

“Most frightening drifter of the year,” in Blodgett, Missouri, 1995.

Time Magazine’s #187 in its “top 200 most interesting people,” 2004.

References:

1)    Red Webster, friend from bouncing days, (939) 555-0187, rwebautoshoprepairs@gmail.com

2)    Eli Wallach, friend from bounty hunting days, (690) 555-3322, ewall96andalive@yahoo.com

(This was actually just a project I did for a computer science class in college.  I felt like sharing it.)